I finally got the rock bottom stage. That place where everything is going downhill and you can’t stop everything from falling apart because you only got two hands. So you end up watching everything crumble.
I mean, what other choice do I have?
I decided to write things out somewhere safe, like in the journal that I carry with me everyday, just to give my feelings a chance to go on and off like some flickering lights in horror movies.
It crossed my mind that some people invested on their grieves and mistakes. Like those kids who took some years off to work on their personal projects and publish books. Or those people who dedicated months to work on a masterpiece and get enough attention to have their own exhibition.
I mean, I could try.
But to be optimistic in any shitty situation is truly a talent. One that I don’t think I possess.
Sometimes I question how the universe works. I mean, does it work like Regina George? Because when they say “good things happen to good people” I doubt the accuracy of that.
Shit happens to basically everyone. Anyone. You, me, him, her, them. There’s no way one can escape it.
It’s like the Time Wraith in the Flash, chasing Barry Allen like some mad Dementor roaming around Hogwarts for Sirius Black.
That’s how shit happens.
And we are the poor Barry Allen, going “What is that?” and “Why is that thing going after me?” before realizing that it was created out of some stupid mistake we did in the past.
I am sure we all have been here. The staring at the ceiling, wondering how in the world did you end up there phase. The long pauses of hesitation in answering anyone’s questioning your career path or relationship status. Or even a simple “so how’s life?”
“It’s been like me. A joke.”
Then you watch these people look at you with surprisingly sincere concerns before walking away. So that you can wonder again how are you supposed to ever answer the questions while imagining whatever kind of life you could be living if only you’d made the “better” or “safer” choices.
Probably something less shitty. But then again, the world works in such a mysterious way that even better or safer might still send you to some shitty situation.
All you got to do is to accept and live on.